The Bachelorette final synopsis: a three-hour horror movie

farewell so long, See you soonGoodbye baby bitch to season The bachelorette. Thanks to former contestant Ethan –And nobody and nothing else in season nineteen– To bless us with this verbiage. I just asked that this season wouldn’t let the door slam into it as the producers swear by it because they wanted the novelty of the Bachelorette duo season without working hard to restructure their 20-year-old system in order to accommodate such whimsy. but even who – which, season 19 could not do; Tuesday night’s finale somehow stretched out three hoursdespite the fact that this undiluted disaster has, per The bacheloretteHis marketing department, has been out for over three weeks now.

But you know what those others are Final installments he did not do You have? Jesse Palmer delightfully introduces entirely new plot points that have no basis in this season’s source material, without any context whatsoever. “Maybe tonight, Tino can convince Rachel that his reckless actions were just a temporary lapse in judgment,” Jesse says at the top of the episode, before we officially hear about any such indiscretion. Jesse tells us, the people who just sat down to watch the three-hour finale and were apparently also He is expected to do an unassigned summer reading ahead of time.

I didn’t actually see a file bachelorette) Final start in the means of precision, and was so confused by Jesse spoiling the drama instantly that I had to pause the TV to make sure I was watching the beginning of the episode. If this season The bachelorette Prove anything, there is no substitute for a strong team of copy editors…not even a team of singles.

that they she did At least get rid of all the “most exciting Final Season ever” stuff this week after maybe Receiving constructive criticism that watching Rachel sitting on stage looking like she was getting ready to eat a bowl of glass wasn’t exactly the drama we had been craving. Rachel I was Still on stage, she looked like she was choking on a dozen rotten eggs while being forced into it Bird Box Its entire disastrous ending…but at least in this final episode, The bachelorette He was more clear about what was coming. “This season has been really tough for both Rachel and Gabe,” Jesse says inside a dimly lit studio. “And now happiness afterwards seems to be a million miles away from both women.” It’s a stab at honesty oscillate On admitting guilt…

But in all other ways, Jesse’s early warnings give this ending the distinct feel of a poorly planned, three-hour horror film. Because, as it must, the episode eventually makes its way to Tino proposing to Rachel: The proposal we’ve already been told is doomed, but we’ll still have to watch while Tino does the unwise fake that he Not I will suggest — the slightest form of humor suggested. Tino and Rachel leave the show, at which point Jesse demands the in-studio version of Rachel telling us what happened next. She says they had some good times and had some bad times during their long engagement, but in the end, during one “happy couple” weekend, Tino kept saying ominous things about “previous relationships” that came to light. Then Rachel brought out the information that while their relationship was in a bad way – but it certainly didn’t end! – Tino kisses another woman and Rachel doesn’t tell about her until they’ve already spent an entire weekend together.

The highlight of this ending is that Gabe comes to rest Rachel before she first encounters Tino in person, advising Rachel to kick him into the balls at her first chance. Instead, Rachel lets Tino through the door when it looks like he just got out of a bender and/or a caterer. Hilariously, he carries a small and mysterious notebook with him. Looks like this guy watched one season of Real Housewives of the Potomac And I think he’s ready to use the receipt wrap. reader, is has not been. And Rachel agreed, she has her crystal clear memories and the most controlling personality with a much stronger grip. she Angry When Tino started reading quotes from his diary about the things she said to him that made him feel insecure about their relationship during the time he cheated. Rachel tells him that he doesn’t give any context to her statements about returning the ring or falling in love because he wants to make her look bad and make himself look better. Tino says Rachel He… needs to get out.

Tino can barely look at Rachel during this conversation, let alone speak coherently, and he truly I can not sit. He continues to leave the conversation as he makes increasingly desperate attempts to turn off his microphone, until Rachel finally discovers him in the yard, shirt half offAnd the very suspiciously Disconnecting a phone call…

Snapshots via ABC

it’s ah severely a stranger. And if you were expecting a little more clarity from Rachel and Tino sitting down with Jesse in After the Final Rose, you’ve got better luck next time. Since Rachel’s stated goal is that she wants an apology and answers about exactly what happened – but every time Tino tries to give her any context or apologize, she feels like he’s trying to put his indiscretion motive on to her. To quote JoJo, I think it’s too late, and it’s too late for Tino to apologize. No one is contractually obligated to forgive anyone in the AFR phase, after all. This is a good thing because The bachelorette It creates a truly unforgettable level of annoyance when they finally pull out silver medalist Avene to sweep Rachel off the stage with a request to ‘get out of here and catch up’ While Tino is still sitting thereRachel’s eyes watch with joy.

If you are wondering, yesAll this casts a shadow over the 2 o’clock end where Gabe and Eric are actually an act They got engaged and made it to the AFR stage and you’re very happy with that. Good for them! Gabe says a lot of really beautiful things about love and self-esteem in her otherworldly weird voice…and Eric explains why he was texting a semi-cursed girlfriend days before he appeared on the show. It basically boils down to using him on the show as an easy excuse to break up with her, and he admits that was cowardly and misleading. Eric no Explaining the latest, most daring revelation that he did the blackface in high school because, well, The bachelorette He never asks for it. (Eric apologized for the photo on his Instagram last week.)

No, there was simply no time with only what full hour Left to get to the hitherto inexplicable final reveal: Zach Chalcross is the next Bachelorette.

Wait, you don’t remember Zack?! A tall, square-jawed, 26-year-old white man with an indistinguishable but seemingly harmless figure? Dated Rachel? you knowIs he a technical director with teeth and arms? you come Should Remember Zack – family is everything to him and he has a Social Security number? Builds sentences with names And the actions? Finished in 3rd place after a suspiciously bad date in the Fantasy Suite?? Uncle Kronk???

The lukewarm reaction to Zach becoming the next lead on Zach wasn’t, but rather for the franchise – choosing such a typical lead on The Bachelor when he does absolutely nothing to distinguish himself except for being tall and white is disappointing. We can all see Zach’s sizzle reel, she’s so cute and looks like she took it straight from Step by Step Title sequence – This guy is going out of the Bachelor’s mansion wearing a fan cap. After Zack was announced as the next Bachelorette, Jesse joked that he was “just glad The Bachelor doesn’t look like me for once.” It’s ridiculous to say – this guy looks like like him—so he’s falling AFR . audiencewho have been whipped in such a frenzy of emotions that they will react basically anything…

Any thing but this. It’s a baffling ending to a baffling season, made even more baffling by the fact that its failure doesn’t dampen my enthusiasm Bachelor in Heaven one bit. Get these guys back at the beach, get them a spicy margarita, and for goodness sake, get Rachel out of this group.

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